I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
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