My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
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