I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
there is puke in my bra ... again
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Randomize
