weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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