new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
How does one acquire holy water?
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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