i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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