I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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