i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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