just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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