can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
