I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize