Why are handjobs necessary in class?
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Randomize
