i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
