Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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