ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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