my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
please come you make the beer taste better
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
