I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
