I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
