when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
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