Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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