i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
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