Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
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