Just cropdusted the office
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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