Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
