just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
the day after is always just damage control
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
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