Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Randomize
