oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
