I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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