the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I am mentally ready for anal.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
