yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
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