my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
