Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
She bit a glass in half.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
