You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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