Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
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