I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
