not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
