1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
