I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Randomize
