My first STD was from a foam party
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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