So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
how does that bad decision feel?
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
