sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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