My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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