So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
