i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
