My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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