then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
