i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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