I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
2020 sucks, I want a refund
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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