My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
