When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
