I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize