i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
