I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize