My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
