When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Randomize
